1 post tagged “reflecting”

I was on my way into work and since there was absolutely nothing on the radio on, found myself half-listening to some local radio personalities discussing whether or not it was a big deal for someone to keep old letters, pictures (of both varieties), or other memorabilia of relations previous to their current.
We're not talking flaunting naked pictures of ex-girlfriends or being otherwise disrespectful of their current partner.  We're talking just keeping possession of artifacts of old relationships.

What got to me was the only barely unspoken expectation(s) of those who responded that it was not acceptable.  These people seemed to demand that as soon as they started seriously dating/got engaged/married their partner that anyone who that person had dated before no longer existed.  Their history must be expunged and sanitized.  More than a couple stated that they couldn't stand hearing about their partners ex-relationships.  One lady was completely infuriated that her boyfriend would dare to move a box of old love letters and pictures into her house as if it was a personal affront.
That's some pretty fucked up shit right there.  How much faith do you think someone is really investing in their relationship if the mere existence of a previous dating life is threatening?  Christ on a crutch!  It's over, gone.  If they are honestly comparing you to an idealized ghost of a lost relationship, a handful of letters is not going to make any difference.  You will still not be able to compete.  The relationship is still doomed.  On the otherhand, if all your partner is doing is remembering some good times, reflecting upon what went wrong and the lessons they were able to take with them from those mistakes, then crucifying them for those things that have led them to your current happy relationship is only going to create distance and resentment.
Banishing all the evidence of a partner's existence before you got involved with them does not make it go away.  It is not the action of someone who accepts who their partner is.  It's an intolerance of seeing them as a real human being as opposed to a mental construct.  Where do you think he learned how to listen instead of just offer an immediate solution?  Where do you think she learned that just because he wants to do things without her, it does not always mean he doesn't want to do things with her?  You may loathe their ex, they may loathe their ex, but it doesn't mean the ex didn't bring something positive into your life; your partner.
Why is it a good thing that the person you're involved with can so completely disconnect themselves from the emotions of past relationships?  It seems to me that if someone can excise someone like that before, they can do it to you and that doesn't suggest a very deep connection to me.  Should your relationship come to end for any reason and they'll ditch everything you ever shared with them.  Why not, they did it before.  Your relationship will leave no lasting impression in the landscape of their life.  Fuck that shit.  I want someone who loves and feels deeply.  I want the richness of someone who look back and know how they've been affected.  I want those I have been involved with to remember what it was like to be with me, to carry something positive forward just as I do.  I feel some nostaligic fondness for past girlfriends.  Even the ones that I cannot stand.  No matter how horrid they were, there were points that were sweet and good.  No matter how wonderful they were, there were still reasons why the relationship came to an end.
If you can't trust who you're with to be honest to you about how they feel about you and their ex-lovers, then why the fuck are you with them?  If a naked picture in a box makes you think he's going to stray, you must live in mortal dread whenever they step out of your sight.  That's not love, that's emotional torture.